I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
