I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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