I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
