john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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