I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
