i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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