I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
