So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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