i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
