Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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