You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
