He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
