I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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