Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day šš#pensacolaproblems
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I havenāt sent any nudes yet in 2018.
Thatās not true...is it?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
