Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
