You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
