i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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