Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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