Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm passing your future prison.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
