so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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