Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
