hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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