Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
