After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
