my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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