I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
