was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
