Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
