feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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