I hate your face
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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