life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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