Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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