I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
