planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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