I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
