mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
