He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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