How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
