Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
