My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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