I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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