You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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