Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
