im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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