You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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