this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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