Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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