Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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