So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
