i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
