You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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