I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
