If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
