I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
