Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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