I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
