So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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