before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
