you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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