Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
