There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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