got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
