Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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